Mining Strategies: From a Simple Game to Learning About Habits of Having Meaningful Conversations

Photo by Alex Guillaume on Unsplash

At first it was just a game to have a brain break and use up the last few minutes of class before going to lunch. But as I observed my fourth graders playing, I saw an opportunity to learn about what makes for a productive conversation, in class or outside; now as ten year olds or later as adults.

The object of the game is to count from one to ten in order, as a group, without knowing who goes next. One person will say "one",  another will follow with "two", and on we go untill we reach "ten". If two people talk at the same time, we start over. It is almost impossible but it is fun and when we finally get to ten, there is loud cheering.

The first few rounds we couldn't get past one because the same two or three kids wanted to be the first to start. These were the same students that always raised their hands to participate in class discussions, the same ones who initiated the group work. They are proactive and their engagement in a lesson is highly appreciated. But a conversation is just as much about listening and learning from others as it is about expressing one's own thoughts. The first one to speak often sets the direction. So for those of us who can't stand silence, it's good practice to exercise self-restraint and see what others have to say, especially those who need more time to collect their thoughts or those whose voices are not as loud. 

Lesson #1: You don't always have to be the first one to speak. 

Once we got past the "me first" stage, we ran into the problem of the same kids wanting to then say "two", "three", etc. How often we witness one person dominate and use up all the time and space. It's not really a conversation any more but a monologue. 

Lesson #2: If you've spoken once, give others a chance to speak before talking again.

Using these two rules we got to three or four because the more proactive students were taking turns. But now we got stuck because those who had spoken were holding back and others weren't speaking up. It's a conversation when all those present participate to some degree, even if it is to just agree with what has already been said. And if someone has a different thought, we all lose when they don't add their insight to raise the collective's understanding.

Lesson #3: Participate 

With more kids participating and taking turns, we reached eight. Then someone just shouted "eight" again! It happens sometimes that in a conversation, we are so focused on what we will say next that we stop listening. For a conversation to lead to greater understanding, we have to resist the urge to just talk.  As kids slowed down, they also began noticing when someone else was about to speak - not because they were raising their hand but because of a change in their posture. With listening also comes paying attention to how others are experiencing the conversation even when they are not speaking. 

Lesson #4: Listen

When that student shouted "eight" and sent us back to the beginning, the group's frustration led to unkind words. Which led to talking about the most important condition for a transforming conversation. No one is inclined to participate if they are afraid of being judged, attacked or dismissed. 

Our ability to engage in meaningful conversations with each other and especially with those who have different beliefs and experiences than us can be transformational. I can't think of any better tool for healing than a heart-to-heart conversation. We all need to get better at it. Our survival may depend on it.

Lesson #5: Love